THE GREAT METAMORPHOSIS...FROM ME TO WE

Well, it's me again...I actually have found some time to do another entry! With all the tasks that come with adjusting to married life involving finances, work, and just organizing our living space, it's often not easy to just take a step back and view the awesome and wonderful journey I've been on for almost a year now. It still seems a bit surreal, the fact that I am now married after having waited with as much patience as I was able to, with God's grace, for this day. I suppose there are those out there that would have said to me, "Tom, why in God's name would you want to get married at this stage in your life? Why don't you just settle into single life and live the rest of it out in peace and quiet and service to the Lord? You could probably be more useful to God that way, rather than having to undo and unlearn everything to adjust to married life this late in the game". Or perhaps it was me saying that to myself, or the fleshly part of me just wanting to coast my way through the home stretch, like I was already in a rocking chair or something. But knowing my Lord, He has never been one to let me off quite that easy. This burning desire to experience married life has persisted through all of the most hopeless moments and all of the near-misses and disappointments, when I thought it was becoming a remote possibility at best. Yes, there were some less than noble motives driving that desire at times; the physical advantages of marriage, et al, but those have increasingly taken the back seat in recent years, replaced by the intense desire to REALLY experience what Song of Solomon was speaking of; what this union of Christ and His Church really was all about. Even though I have experienced that to some degree in my own walk with Him, and the awesome organic church life I have experienced, and knew in my heart that even single saints can have that; that God leaves no one out of His divine love, I knew that God wanted to take me so much deeper into that reality, HERE AND NOW. Marriage to another was the only doorway to that deeper aspect of God; to sacrificial love and union to another the way God designed it from before Creation itself. Being single for life, despite circumstances at the time, was just not His ultimate plan for me. The funny thing is, a couple years earlier I had began to become somewhat comfortable in my singleness; not having to provide for another as well as myself; knowing my dumb mistakes would only hurt me and not a significant other; having a fair amount of financial security but knowing I could survive a job loss if I had to, etc. But more recently the burning desire had gotten more intense, perhaps driven by the attempt to re-unite with an ex-fiancee a couple years ago, along with the realization of my approaching 50th birthday and the fact that the clock isn't exactly standing still. I still really, really wanted this, but for different reasons now than in earlier years when the motivations were more fleshly and more insecurity-driven. I knew that I knew that I knew who I was in Christ, having walked with Him for 25 years, marriage was going to be another step in my spiritual evolution; another doorway into a secret passage of God's essence; another undiscovered country.

Well, now I've been married a month, and I have pretty much made it my purpose to totally abandon any expectations I had about marriage, except for one; that it would draw me closer to Him and build my character in Him. I have discovered that about many of my endeavors in the Lord; once I allow Him to free me from my own expectations, I am totally liberated to just let Him take me where He will, show me what He would show me, and teach me what He would teach me (and I am definitely more teachable). I am free to enjoy the journey rather than struggle with finding my own directions and design my own road map (despite what all the motivational blatherers would tell us; it's not that I become totally passive and lazy, but that I let HIM design the road map, not me). Basically I'm not really that surprised or dismayed at what I'm experiencing, due in part I suppose to some of the awesome teachings I've heard and read about marriage, and by being able to watch marriages in progress in my little church. I can also credit the slow but sure breaking of the Lord of a lot of my selfish motives, over the course of living single for 49 years and experiencing a lot of painful breakups and unrequited love over that time. I sense that at this stage of life, far from being "too set in my ways" or too cynical and bitter, God has made me more tender hearted, more sacrifice-minded, more open to His way and His methods than in earlier years.

Let there be no mistake; even after just one month, I'm finding some aspects of being married to this wonderful woman kind of an irritant (to my flesh, that is). Let me give the most outstanding example I know of thus far; she is totally not a morning person, and because of that I can really never experience the joy of waking up with her with the sunrise, or of her accompanying me on my nature walks like I've done most of my life, or my early morning times with the Lord. I've always considered the morning a sacred time in God's estimation; the First Fruits, the first day of creation, et al. But in spending time with Janice before our marriage, I began to see that this was one romantic vision (certainly not a bad one, but romantic just the same) that would be hitting the hopper. I was certainly free to still enjoy the early mornings when I could, just not with her (and thankfully this is totally OK with her). Our romantic times together would mostly entail afternoons and evenings; a big shift of my paradigm, to be sure. When by force of schedule we are obligated to be together early in the AM, let it suffice to say that she is just not the spunky, talkative, intelligent person I so enjoy being with later in the day, and I am forced to dig just a little deeper to love this woman in spite of her different AM personality, knowing deep down that this is the same Janice that I love so deeply, and that I have no more chance of changing her into a morning person than I have of changing our cat into a hamster. Besides, she no doubt experiences the same thing when, at 1:00 am, she is in her prime, while I am near comatose if not already asleep. The realization of this fact gives me empathy for her. I made a very serious vow before God, friends and church to love her NO MATTER WHAT. What kind of summer soldier and fair weather friend would I be if I only loved her when she got over her morning malaise? Even if in her morning mood she says something unkind, not meaning to, my love for her remains. I don't strike back or give the silent treatment; I endure, like Christ endured the taunts of his enemies, knowing that her real heart isn't in what might have been said. I let it go and give it to God if necessary. Wow, where in the heck did I learn how to do this? I must honestly say that earlier in my Christian walk these kinds of responses would never have come from me; I would certainly have gotten angry and said "FINE" and walked away, or said something unkind back, turning a simple moody comment into a fight, needlessly. I've heard too many couples doing this in public, and been sickened by it in my spirit, to be able to respond like that myself any more, not to mention being broken by God of a lot of that righteous machismo. I guess it comes down to this; CHRIST IN ME WON'T LET ME TREAT HER WITH ANY LESS LOVE AND COMPASSION THAN THE PRINCESS THAT SHE IS TO HIM. My prayer to God continues to be that this attitude would persist in me, even after the "honeymoon period" has long passed and the irritants become much more irritating; that we would never go to bed angry at each other, ever.

The other awe-inspiring, jaw-droppingly wondrous aspect of married life is just how much we are becoming one, in so many large and small ways. We just got a batch of checks in the mail that have BOTH our names on them, we have also gotten insurance cards from my provider that have BOTH our names on them. She is going through the process of changing her last name to mine on all her documents. We still get cards from well-wishers with BOTH our names on them. I have an almost childlike sense of joy at seeing these little things proving our oneness, as does she. I have stopped calling Lucky the cat "her cat", and started calling him "our cat". There are other aspects of marital togetherness which are inappropriate to discuss publicly, namely physical, that are nonetheless part of this whole wondrous transformation of "me" and "her" into "us" and "we". Some of this has been going on since before our marriage; we both have had keys to our separate dwellings and cars since far before our marriage; we have both slept in each other's apartments, ALWAYS in separate beds or couches, with absolutely no unsafe consequences, mainly out of economic necessity (hotels would have bankrupted me, and therefore, us, in short order, and there just were not enough friends' places available on a consistent basis). This caused some uneasiness with me at first, with the whole "appearance of evil" thing, until I re-read that passage in 1 Thessalonians 5, and found it had NOTHING to do with making sure others don't misinterpret your perfectly innocent actions, and I found that, basically, NO ONE REALLY CARED. We eventually got so used to it that any thoughts of pre-marital indescretion were very far from either of our minds; and, thanks be to God, our Christian friends, even the more conservative ones, trusted God in us enough to grant us that grace after all. Let it be said that we DO NOT in any way support living together outside of marriage in the carnal sense, nor think that overnights at each other's domiciles are a particularly good idea for very young couples, but it became an innocent necessity in our case. I have always believed that we believers should all eventually come to the place before the Lord knowing in our hearts what we have the grace in Him to endure and what we don't. All this being said, our overnights did give us some bits of practice in certain aspects of living together, and therefore avoided some surprises.

One last aspect of oneness that we've both experienced since before our marriage but that we now experience a bit more intensely, is just a very simple thing that so many couples take for granted to their own misfortune; HOLDING ONE ANOTHER. We have always, always, since very early in our relationship, strived very hard to preserve our "cuddle time". That is, our time of just holding one another in each other's arms very close, feeling each other's warmth and hearing each other's breathing; keeping the chatter to a minimum, just gazing at one another and JUST BEING TOGETHER. With marriage this has obviously become more intense and intimate, with various states of undress involved (yes, I said it), but the purpose, the innocence, and the simple joy of it has remained the same; to be together, to feel each other's warmth, to be ONE. Even if it's for only a few minutes during her dinner break (she works from home, second shift; another time challenge, to be sure), we have that snuggle time. Janice loves to look into my hazel eyes (she calls them "rainbow eyes"; she's fascinated by the multiple colors), I love to look into her blue eyes. She also loves to listen to my heartbeat, which she finds comforting; I can't express the feeling knowing that gives me.

These are some of the unexpected joys that I find in married life; because I was willing to let God annihilate some of my own expectations, He has been able to show me so many unexpected joys, and yes, sorrows as well. But no doubt our journey from me to we will continue for as long as He sees fit to keep us alive, and more surprises, as well as some storms, will be part of it as well. I'm loving this journey, even as it turns me upside down in some ways; my Lord has taught me over long years to expect nothing less from Him.

Peace,
Tom Sebring